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Your Children

It’s natural to expect that a diagnosis of lung cancer may be emotionally stressful for your children, exposing them to fears of losing you, changes in their everyday life, and emotional havoc in the family.

You may be worrying about being able to care for your children at a time when you are in special need of care. If so, be sure to speak to your doctor or nurse about any concerns you may have. Also, this page offers general information that may help you understand what they may need to guide them through this difficult time in your life. To go directly to a specific area of this page, please click on a topic below:

Walking in Their Shoes
Keeping Secrets
To Tell the Truth
A Parent’s Love
Sources of Information
Additional Resources

Walking in Their Shoes

Your cancer can raise a number of issues for your children. Fear is one of them. Children—especially young ones—are tied to your identity, so, to them, losing you would be like losing part of themselves. Another issue is the disruption to family routine that your lung cancer may cause. How will your children adjust to some inevitable changes in their everyday lives?

Even though some children do experience significant problems, your child’s reaction and adjustment may vary from another child’s. It’s also possible that you may believe your child is reacting well to your family’s situation—when he or she really is not. For all these reasons, it may be a good idea not to assume that your children don’t have questions or that they don’t want to know what’s happening, just because they aren’t talking about it. They may simply not know how to ask.

Keeping Secrets

Children generally have extraordinary abilities for coping with different situations, as long as they are helped to understand them. Although your instinct may be to "spare" them by not telling them about your cancer, keep in mind that your child’s insight is greater than you may realize. Even very young children will soon sense that something is wrong.

Remind yourself what the experts already know: Children are very resilient, with an impressive capacity for coping! Besides, trying to keep a secret such as this can be an enormous strain—and probably impossible, anyway. Most children are naturally inquisitive—think about how they often ask direct questions that we adults would not! This means that they notice what’s going on in the world around them. Your children will probably pick up on any tension and stress, as well as be likely to notice any changes in your emotional and physical energy levels. Children will naturally expect the same level of support, love, and authority you usually provide.

In general, many experts believe that children of all ages should be helped to understand the following three issues:
  1. They did not "cause" your cancer. Children, even teens, can feel guilty and blame themselves when something goes wrong. Often, they won’t express these feelings, so it’s a good idea to talk about your illness even if they don’t bring it up.

  2. Cancer is not contagious. Children often become confused about how people get sick, so they may naturally assume that they can catch it or that their other parent will get it.

  3. No matter what happens, they will be taken care of. Your child depends on you to feel secure and safe. Promise that he or she is loved and will never be left alone.

To Tell the Truth

Many parents find it difficult to talk to children about cancer, but child health experts believe that children who don’t know the truth will have a harder time coping, may become confused, and may feel alienated and have a hard time trusting you later.

Children usually need just enough information to manage their fears, feel secure, and function as normally as possible. They also remember what they are told, so giving honest and correct information may be the first and most important step you take in helping them to cope.

In her book When a Parent Has Cancer (HarperCollins), author and cancer survivor Wendy Schlessel Harpham, MD, writes: "...telling the truth does not mean telling every detail. Tell them enough, not everything." Dr. Harpham also believes that what you tell your children will depend on several factors, including their ages and emotional maturity. If you ever have any doubts about what to tell or how to say it, she adds, be sure to ask your doctor or nurse for advice.

A Parent’s Love

Naturally, your love for your children will be one of the most important gifts you ever give them. You know your children best—and understand how much they can handle. Your primary goal in telling them about your cancer is to give them opportunities to ask questions and to express their feelings. Sharing the news can improve family communication and make everyone’s adjustment easier.

In fact, some experts believe that helping children learn to handle adversity can build the inner strength they will need to cope all through life. The ways they learn to cope with your cancer will play an important role in their emotional adjustment to the experience.

Please remember that no one expects you to have all the answers to meeting the needs of your children. Like most parents, you will do the best you can—and probably still feel guilty and worried about what effects your cancer will have on their emotional and physical futures.

Keep in mind that being able to recognize problems within your family is an important first step to solving them. If you find yourself worrying about your children’s behavior, counseling may be beneficial. Your doctor or nurse can refer you to qualified family or individual therapists.

It may be comforting to remember that there are many other forces, besides the experience of your lung cancer, that can influence who your children ultimately grow to be. Do your best to find the help you need to guide them toward those positive experiences!

Sources of Information

Several organizations provide information and support that may help your children cope with your illness. You may contact them by phone, mail, or on the Internet.
  • KidsCope
    2045 Peachtree Road, Suite 150
    Atlanta, GA 30309
    1-404-892-1437
    http://www.kidscope.org
    Helps families and children better understand the effects of cancer and chemotherapy on a parent.

  • Kids Konnected
    27071 Cabot Road, Suite 102
    Laguna Hills, CA 92653
    1-949-582-5443
    24-hour hotline: 1-800-899-2866
    http://www.kidskonnected.org
    Offers friendship, understanding, education, and support for kids who have a parent with cancer.

Additional Resources

Knowing where to find credible and accurate information is an important step toward helping children cope with your illness. The following resources may help:

How to Help Children Through
a Parent’s Serious Illness
Kathleen McCue, MA, CCLS, with Ron Bonn
St. Martin’s Griffin
ISBN: 0-312-14619-1, 221 pages
1994

When a Parent Has Cancer
Wendy Schlessel Harpham, MD
HarperCollins
ISBN: 0-06-018709-3, 164 pages
1997

Cancer in the Family: Helping Children
Cope With a Parent’s Illness
Sue P. Heiney, PhD, RN; Joan F. Hermann, MSW, LSW;
Katherine V. Bruss, PsyD; Joy L. Fincannon, RN, MS
American Cancer Society
ISBN: 0-944235-34-4, 218 pages
2001

Our Family Has Cancer, Too!
Christine Clifford
Pfeifer-Hamilton Publishers
ISBN: 1-57025-144-4, 54 pages
1998

What Is Cancer Anyway?: Explaining
Cancer to Children of All Ages
Karen L. Carney
Dragonfly Publishing Company
ISBN: 0966782046, 32 pages
1998